Communication can define a long-lasting relationship or one that ended too soon. In the 80’s Spandau Ballet had a song called Communication and the refrain was “communication let me down”. However, communication doesn’t let us down. We just stop communicating in a productive way. Whether it is that someone in the relationship stops talking or listening the result is the same. People are not heard or understood.  The ability to communicate where both partners feel that they can express themselves and be heard without being interrupted can often be a fundamental pillar of good communication and a healthy relationship.

As an intern therapist I worked with couples on communication. Many of these couples struggled to just get their point across without interruption. I remember using a technique where one person would say what they were feeling about the relationship and the other partner had to be silent. Then the second person had to repeat what the first person had said verbatim. Finally, the first partner would say whether or not the second partner had repeated the statement correctly. This was a grueling exercise for me because I had to be the referee with the couple and most couples were only interested in placing blame and not in listening to their partner (or their therapist).

It was not a comfortable feeling but when each partner followed the rules of the session the couple did make progress. The point of the exercise was that it is difficult to hear what someone is saying when you are only focused on your own point of view. You really can’t hear what someone is saying if all you want to do is talk. Take off the metaphorical headphones of your life and listen to your partner, friend, or children. Have that exchange of ideas and open dialogue with your special someone.

In my relationship, I have learned to do a particular type of listening that works well for us. My partner is not someone who is big on things like expensive jewelry or high fashion. She likes small trinkets, books, and mementos. Early on in our relationship I picked up on this and I would go and buy these little items for her. She was always appreciative mostly about the fact that I listened and remembered that she had wanted this item. However, the point here isn’t about what I bought or didn’t buy for her. This is about being heard and understood. This only happens when you are willing to put aside your thoughts and needs in order to listen to someone else. Make the effort to listen to your loved one(s). It is the life blood of a healthy relationship!

 

I called this picture Winnie the Pooh because my older son looks kind of like a little Pooh Bear. Even at that time I already felt wistful about how quickly time goes by. My older one was born in my first semester in grad school and at the graduation he was three. His younger brother would not be born for another year and a half but the passage of time was already making it’s mark. He is now applying to high schools and time just keeps going. Whether we stand still or we write like we are running out of time (nod to Hamilton), time keeps moving. We can put our time to good use by setting goals and going after them or we can sit around and wait for something to move us. It can be difficult. I know because I am right in this middle of a change myself. I am fighting with the sense of getting older and trying to understand the constantly evolving world of technology and, particularly, social media. The little guy in the picture is now teaching me about social media. It’s like the picture above except that my older son is holding my hand now because I have much to learn. In fact, my younger son can teach me as well. What I have learned is that my hand needs to be held whether by my children or my spouse. I often struggle with changes in technology but in the end I come round to this picture and it gives me a great sense of hope. It doesn’t matter who is holding someone’s hand but rather how we connect and help each other when we do grasp hands. It is not a one way interaction but rather a connection that helps us to get to where we are going.

I don’t know if this will be something that I write only once or something that will truly be a beginning of countless other stories. What I do know is that I am beginning again and going down a new road. We all tell stories whether it was something we saw, heard, imagined, felt, or something else. Stories are the fabric of my life. For me, stories are a fundamental part of who I am. There have been countless times where I have written something just to remind me of an event that happened, a lesson learned, something scary, or how I feel about someone. Stories are how I express myself.

The first time that I can remember writing about my thoughts and feelings was in 1980. I had a Christian Yoga class at my high school and a priest named Father Gatto required us to write in the journal every day. He would check the journals weekly. If he hadn’t checked them I might not have ever bothered with the journal. However, he did and I soon found that it was good way to vent my feelings particularly about his class and life as a teenager. I don’t know what happened to him but I am thankful for his journal exercises because they became the foundation for writing about my observations and stories.

Today is the beginning of writing a blog. It feels like an open highway.