I have been incredibly fortunate over the last 12 years or so in terms of the type of work that I do. I have worked as a psychology professor, a teacher mentor at a private school, and in public schools through the TEP program at UCLA.
I find myself now starting up as life coach and I’m kind of terrified because the startup is slow and I’m not sure if this will work out. I enjoy working with people and helping them find their way in life. It is the thing that makes me feel good and establishes a sense of personal meaning to my life and vocation. Of course, my family is more important than anything else, but it becomes very difficult when resources start to dry up and I am not sure where to turn. The ugly voices come along and start to feed upon my fear that I will not be able to secure financial standing to get to my calling. I know that many people suffer from this type of fear, but for me, it literally makes me freeze.
My wife has always been my greatest support and source of help. It is in these moments that I really appreciate her ungodly patience with me. I live with the specter of my parents’ fear of not having enough money, but somehow even they were able to get through. Why am I so fearful and lacking belief in myself? I know that I am allowing this and it isn’t helping me. Who do I turn to? I know the answer but I don’t really like it. The answer has to be me. I am not suggesting that I can do this alone, but it has to start at the source. I am the source of this issue. Yes, I can give my parents an assist on this but it is my life, my family, and my reality. I know it and I need to own it.
What is needed in this situation? Action. It must come from me and, possibly, “with a little help from my friends” as the Beatles told us so many years ago. I know that I can’t do this alone, but I also know that I have to go after it if I want to see a change. My fear is that I won’t be good enough. I fear that I won’t know what to do…but I fear that I have no choice. You know, the funny part of this is that I have surmounted other situations that seemed to be difficult and I made it through one way or the other. However, it seems that as I grow older I minimize the things that I was able to do when I was less nervous or doubting of myself. I had this sense of the fear, but also a sense of a kind of recklessness where I figured that I wouldn’t get anywhere unless I gave it a try. This is the hump that I am trying to get through again. I started this blog and joined the JRNI site because I believed that it fit me and would help me go where I wanted to go. It is just that now that it is getting real and more difficult, I am minimizing a life time of working and helping others. I need to go the other way. I need to rise up. Help will always be given to those that ask and need it, to paraphrase Albus Dumbledore from JK Rowling. I realize that whatever help or inspiration may come it will likely not look like what we would have expected. Most things in life usually don’t look like we think they should be. Sometimes it just looks like a bunch of puzzle pieces, and you have to put it together without any directions. I know that it is more challenging, but ultimately more rewarding as well. In the end, for anyone looking to conquer a challenge there has to be a starting point and markers or goals that you need to reach. We need to stay focused on our goals and markers and take our victories as they come. There will be no victories without taking a step. I will take that step today.